Why this election is important

I know it's hard for people to concentrate on boring old politics when much more exciting things are happening in the world to far more interesting people, like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. But believe me, the next federal election is vitally important - not just to your future but to mine. You think it's boring in Canberra? Try living in a cage on a bed of hay and a diet of lettuce and carrots.

Policies? I've got lots of 'em

It would be easy me to sit here and tell you my plan for the future of Australia. Faar too easy, in fact, and no fun at all. Rather than hit you with them all right now, I will be releasing my policies slowly in the fullness of time. For now though, let's just say that whatever the other guys promise, I'll double it.

Hanging on in there

My "rats in the ranks" were obviously wrong about an election being called today. I guess John Howard got wind of my campaign and is now desperately hanging on for as long as he can.

Pig of the people

It has come to my attention that many Australians have been watching football this weekend. I don't know much about sport, but I say: "Go, the winning team! Vote for me!" Now, I'll just quietly munch on a carrot until the hysteria dies down.

Election: I'm ready

There's a rumour that the current, human prime minister is planning to call an election either today or tomorrow. I don't know what his plans are, but when he calls the poll I will be ready. My campaign team is in place, and we are spoiling for a fight. Bring it on, I say!